Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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