I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
