all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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