She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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