I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
