How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
