I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
