My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
