you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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