im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
