apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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