3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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