You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
