The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
