neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
