My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
