I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
