do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the day after is always just damage control
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
