problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
