3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
