five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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