Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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