I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
