You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
