there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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