sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
