i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
