Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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