he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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