I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
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How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Damn victory sex feels great
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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