I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
