OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
