i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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