Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
