i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
