i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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