Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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