he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We need to get me chipped asap
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
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