i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
