After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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