My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
