The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
