my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
