If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
