Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
