At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
