yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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