I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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