i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
