Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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