You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
