Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
