I can tuck mytits in my pants
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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