So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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