got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
