hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
