I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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