He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Randomize
