nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
